Melancholy. Depression. Loneliness. Emptiness.
It’s all too real. I haven’t added to this blog in months. I had such high hopes for what I wanted to accomplish, but … in the end … it was really about filling a void … a chasm, really.
Each tiny stitch is a moment of profound loneliness. There are thousands and thousands of stitches this year.
I taught myself to knit. Why? Because, I teach myself something new to distract myself. I started last year with three sweaters, finger-less gloves, two scarves and some wash cloths … all beginner stuff. All easy peasy. This is my fourth sweater. Leah has requested an ocean-themed sweater with a puffer fish. While I love this new skill of mine, it does make the mind wander. My mind stumbles deep into a dark forest. Stitch after stitch. Row after mindless row. Knit, knit, knit, knit, knit … knit … darkness.
Some city tree trimmers are out on the driveway checking on a neighbor’s tree that looks a tad close to the power lines. Quickly, I set down my knitting and scurry up the driveway to chat them up. It’s my first “grown up” conversation in way too many days. I’m starved for human interaction. So starved, I’m sure I look like a crazy lady.
They look at me surprised and little scared (we live in a horsey-rural street on the outskirts of the city with quite a few “eccentric” neighbors … you know, the kind that shoot the gophers in their backyard). We chat. It’s nice. I stop myself from asking two strange guys back to the house for milk and cookies. I wonder if they would think it’s strange to offer to crochet them a quick hat since they are bare-headed and it’s cold outside. Too much? Yup. I realize I’m being the “weird” girl and retreat back to my little house.
I’m not going to knit anymore today. I will write it all down. Maybe, I’ll sign up for a class with actual people in it. I can teach myself to do almost anything, but I can’t stand the loneliness of the house anymore. I need friends. I need a social life, and social media is not a replacement for actual adult contact.
I don’t know what will happen with this blog. I just wanted to reach out in the off chance that someone out there may be feeling the same.